Let me introduce “Nellie” – she’s older than me,
but that’s as far as I’m goin’ – I like livin’, you see.
It started when she needed some painting done,
so she called a young man, to get a bid from.

“Bobby” gave her a quote and then asked for a deposit.
Three hundred dollars later, he was off like a rocket.
Nellie waited and waited for him to return,
but he wasn’t about to…she did a slow burn.

The law didn’t offer encouragement or hope.
“This guy’s a real loser, you’ll just have to cope.
When dealing with strangers, there are lessons to be learned.
Don’t pay them up front…that’s when you get burned.”

Nellie didn’t need to hear that kind of stuff;
she knew she’d been taken.  She’d suffered enough.
She heard, “You can’t!”, but was thinking, “I can!”
So, into action she swung…time to get her man!

The bum had mentioned he ran a fireworks stand,
during the Christmas season, so Nellie planned.
Late one cold winter’s night, on the wrong side of town,
Miss Nellie paid a visit to this contemptible clown.

He and his cohort were freezing and waiting
to close up the stand, anticipating 
a warm fire and something strong to drink,
when a Lincoln pulled up.  A sale!… they did think.

But Nellie had other plans; this bad boy’s going down!
So out of the car she leapt with a bound.
To the window of the stand she strode with a swagger.
Bobby didn’t recognize this female Schwarzenegger!

“May I help you, ma’am?”  (Bobby could be so charming)
“I’d like some fireworks,” Nellie said, equally disarming.
“Here are some small ones,” Bobby said, “But, heh,
Big surprises come in small packages, I’ve heard people say.”

“You have no idea,” Nellie said with a grin,
as she continued to peruse the merchandise within.
She looked at several, then spied a package deal.
“It retails for four ninety-nine, but for you, it’s a steal!

I’m asking three fifty, but it’s late, let’s say three.”
“I’ll take it,” Nellie answered, “if you’ll load it for me.”
The bundle was huge, with every imaginable style.
“A lot of bang for your bucks,” Bobby said with a smile.

Nellie thought to herself, if he only knew,
that he was getting banged and he didn’t have a clue!
“Just put it in the trunk,” she said with a grin,
as she opened the door to her car and got in.

With difficulty, they finally deposited their load,
and turned to collect what they thought they were owed.
With fireworks in trunk and checkbook in hand,
it appeared Miss Nellie was about to pay the man.

“But wait,” she said, “I’ve already paid you!
And here’s the cancelled check to prove there’s nothing due!”
Bobby was bumfuzzled…”What?..explain this to me!”
“Gladly,” said Nellie.  “Listen carefully!”

Some time ago, I paid you money to paint.
Then, I found out the hard way, a painter you ain’t.
You’re a flim flam artist of the first degree,
but then you hadn’t met N-E-L-L-I-E!

I’m beating you at your own game, scammer.
You’re lucky you’re not on your way to the slammer.
If you want your firecrackers back, my good man,
You’d better lay three hundred dollars in my hand.

If not, I’ll enjoy lighting every single one.
Seeing that look on your face was so much fun!
You’d better straighten up and become honest stock,
or you and your pals will be playing “Jailhouse Rock!”

“Well, I must be leaving.  It was good seeing you tonight.
I’ve got a fireworks party to plan, all right.
We’ll have a big blast…literally, I’m afraid,
and you’re footing the bill,” she smiled and said.
One more thing before I drive out of sight:
“Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!”

Steve Alexander
2002